nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just invented taco cereal.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
