12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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