Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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