Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
