i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
