okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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