the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
