i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
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This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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