Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
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You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
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he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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