I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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