So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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