life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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