I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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