you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
