If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
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He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
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Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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