I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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