So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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