I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
