I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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