every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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