I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He passed out mid-signature
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
