please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
