Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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