I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
