i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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