Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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