She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
