I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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