Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
