its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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