I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
