I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
