omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
