So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
