why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis