Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
# Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.