So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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