i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize