I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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