i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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