i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
