My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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