Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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