Banned from zoo.
Again?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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