in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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