He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
