So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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