apparently the secret to your success is patron
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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