The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
