M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
