how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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