Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
