i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he was CRYING into my vagina
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
