there's paper in my vomit.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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