i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
this is an emotional support booty call
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
