3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
