They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
