what day is it and did you see me today?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
