i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
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don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
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