It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
