Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just had sex on a roof
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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