And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize